SHAME

Know that I hear you. 

With so many competing priorities and all that’s happening in our world, it’s understandable that conversations around regret are surfacing like never before. 

Listen closely to those in your circles, and you’ll likely hear statements of regret – statements about unmet vocational goals, not being the friend or manager you’re accustomed to being, feeling guilty for not showing up as your usual self.

Until recently, I assumed that we all have regrets and that our embarrassments and disappointments were basically the same. But I’ve learned otherwise.  I’ve discovered a key distinction. Some express guilt, while others unmask shame. Granted, shame and guilt may seem similar on the surface, and they are often interchanged. They are, however, quite different.

According to the speaker, author, and educator Brene Brown, guilt is “holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.” It can be positive in that it drives us to examine our actions and attitudes that contradict who we want to be. Guilt can spur us to speak sweeter, act nicer, and try harder the next time. Shame, on the contrary, is the “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It is destructive to its core as it stirs insecurities, incites fear, and proclaims that we’ll never be good enough.
Shame is that inner bully that fuels our self-doubt with toxic thoughts like we are not smart, pretty, or interesting. It’s the recurring mental script from our parents that says people like us don’t have nice things like that. It’s the haunting digs from our high school coach who chided, “Why can’t you play more like your sister?”

Guilt focuses on behaviors; shame fixates on self. Guilt says, “I have made a mistake” or “I have failed”; shame says, “I am a mistake” and “I am a failure.”

While both men and women experience shame, its origins differ drastically. Societal expectations for men are simplistic and singular: Be strong; weakness is shameful. Yet for women, shame is a complex interplay of conflicting and confusing expectations that demand she is a poised professional, compassionate caregiver, doting mother, loving wife, and consummate cook.

While shame cuts deep, we can still blunt its edge. Allow me to share three tips to sharpen your resilience to shame and dull its power.

• Surface your shame. With courage and resolve, pinpoint the deep-seated pains which led to your insecurities. Reflect honestly on the hurts and hardships that caused your shame. Perhaps you feel unworthy of love because your parent withheld affection.  Rather than addressing the repressed resentment, you sabotage your relationships so you aren’t exposed to further rejection. To conquer this shame, you must surface the underlying issue. Likewise, we all must identify what underpins our feelings of inadequacy before we can resolve our self-deprecating tendencies. Only then can we begin to accept ourselves for who we are.
• Shatter the silence. Our critical inner voice flourishes when shrouded in secrecy. Cultivating meaningful relationships is crucial to our well-being and an anecdote to shame. In connecting and confiding in others, we neutralize our inadequacies and open ourselves to healing. We become intentionally and fiercely vulnerable. By sharing our unvoiced insecurities with trusted companions, we reclaim control of our internal scripts.
• Recalculate your route. We need not know every turn before we start a journey. Just as we need not fix every flaw or right every resentment before we begin to mend a strained relationship or overcome ingrained insecurity. So don’t wait until you feel comfortable and confident. Take a bold step toward your goals and recalibrate your course as often as needed. Prepare for setbacks and mistakes – they are a natural byproduct of personal and professional growth. Celebrate progress, not perfection. 

We are all susceptible to shame, like the four raw and real leading ladies in my recently released bestseller, Fierce Vulnerability. Fierce Vulnerability follows four powerful black women as they navigate the challenges of balancing demanding careers in our nation’s capital with the endless obligations of being wives, mothers, community members, and friends. They wrestle with both guilt and shame as they confront their insecurities and perceived inadequacies while maintaining a façade of confident composure. I am humbled by Fierce Vulnerability’s overwhelming success and thrilled to share its life-changing revelations with you. Join me as I dialogue with subject matter experts and leaders in the Black community to speak at the Fierce Vulnerability Summit: It’s Reigning Men! Manhood & Fierce Vulnerability on April 13, 2021, at 7 pm eastern.

Love,

Sophia